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Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I don't wanna be a tiger
Cause tigers play too rough
I don't wanna be a lion
'Cause lions ain't the kind
you love enough.
Just wanna be, your Teddy Bear
Put a chain around my neck
and lead me anywhere
Oh let me be
Your teddy bear.
Baby let me be, around you every night
Run your fingers through my hair,
And cuddle me real tight
Oh let me be
Your teddy bear.

fuck

best friends
liars
cheaters
time wasters
and heart breakers
you






All that I have to give to you is all my time

Sometimes im right
and sometimes
im more right 
then i thought

Fucking weird
I woke up today happy?
Happy
yes its true
idk
i love medicine
actually no
it was all me this time
:)

Monday, March 29, 2010

Got an appointment on Friday at 7 to get some ink done
I decided on a Om Mani Padme Hum lotus tattoo on my back
Just done in basic black for now.

I am nervous
But a little disappointed I didn't get it today.
OK really disappointed


Im going to bed, I havent eaten anything but a roll all day
I wanna eat but im depressed
                                         Looking at food makes it worse
                           I just dont fucking care anymore
This cloud thats been over my head for the past few months has finally decended
                  I dont care
                                   I wanna care
                                                     I try to care
                 It hurts to care
                                                                        and im tired of hurting
                           I... I... I...
I thought about dying the other day
                     It seems a peaceful thought
                                                                                 Just its
                                                                 its just not quite my time yet you know?

I still got shit to do

How can I say i don't care when i obviously do.
I care about this i care about that,
I care about her most of all but
but I don't,,,
,,,I don't feel it back
From anyone
                   From anything
I don't feel like anyone or anything 
                                                                                        Honestly cares about me 
anymore  
Nothing i do brings me satisfaction anymore
I haven't in quite a while
Idk how to tell her this
Idk how to tell myself this.
I am just so tired of these feelings
everything used to be good with
green grass and blue skies
now its the green of promethazine and the blue of ambien
I cant sleep sober anymore.
Not even with her
that used to be the cure all
now....
ha!
now im just that guy thats there.
I never get the happy greetings
the running hug
or fuck
any real hug at all most of the time.

shit i know that shouldnt bother me cause that
         "Was just a phase"
          and were past it but still it hurts
          I don't like change
          I miss the old us
Actually I just miss the happy me
                                   and her being happy for me

People ask why i try so hard for her
and do all that
in reality it was because it used to
    make me happy
now i just end up feeling used
by everything and everyone
If there was some magic cure 
I need it now more then ever
I need you now more then ever

You think im selfish
im sorry
you think im paranoid
im sorry
you think all this shit
im sorry
Im fucking depressed 
and cant help it

I just want a little light in my tunnel
and anytime i try i get slapped back down.

im not selfish
stupid maybe
yes even a little crazy
i just cant get my shit straight
even this wont come out right.

I need to talk to people but i cant
when i think about it it makes me sick
I just miss me
I miss you
I miss not being 
so easily bothered

When you look at me at night 
and ask me whats wrong
This is whats wrong

I wanted to tell you in person
But i cant 
i dont know how

this is hard enough.
Life is hard enough

I just want to be happy again.
I just wanna make you happy again
actually I just want you happy again

Der Tod hat nie schien süßer

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Is this what you want
'Cause everybody acts without a clue
Every little kiss and grin you gave
Was just a little bullshit I saw through

Are you out of your mind
You dug yourself into a liar's hole
You made a little spark to live inside
It's now a fucking fire out of control
When the morning comes you'll act surprised
And when the word gets out it will get old
And every day you'll try to live your life
And every little scandal will unfold

How did I let her inside
We're dripping of sweat and feeling alright
Her lips were the last thing touched tonight
Your best friend is not your girlfriend

Thursday, March 18, 2010

What does
Lets just start over
Mean
Fuck I dont need this
I just want her back

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

New hair new begining?
Idk something arent meant to last forever
And then some are
the problem in life is finding out which is which

As confusing as it is there are those you know
That you can just feel
deep inside
that they will last

That they will go the distance.

Friday, March 5, 2010

     Have you ever heard of the madman who on a bright morning lighted a lantern and ran to the market-place calling out unceasingly: "I seek God! I seek God!"
     As there were many people standing about who did not believe in God, he caused a great deal of amusement.

     Why! is he lost? said one.
     Has he strayed away like a child? said another. 
     Or does he keep himself hidden? 
     Is he afraid of us? 
     Has he taken a sea-voyage? 
     Has he emigrated?
     
     the people cried out laughingly, all in a hubbub. The insane man jumped into their midst and transfixed them with his glances.

     "Where is God gone? " he called out. "I mean to tell you! We have killed him,--you and I! We are all his murderers! But how have we done it? How were we able to drink up the sea? Who gave us the sponge to wipe away the whole horizon? What did we do when we loosened this earth from its sun? Whither does it now move? Whither do we move? Away from all suns? Do we not dash on unceasingly? Backwards, sideways, forewards, in all directions? Is there still an above and below? Do we not stray, as through infinite nothingness? Does not empty space breathe upon us? Has it not become colder? Does not night come on continually, darker and darker? Shall we not have to light lanterns in the morning? Do we not hear the noise of the grave-diggers who are burying God? Do we not smell the divine putrefaction?--
     for even Gods putrefy!
     God is dead! God remains dead! And we have killed him!
     How shall we console ourselves, the most murderous of all murderers? The holiest and the mightiest that the world has hitherto possessed, has bled to death under our knife,
     who will wipe the blood from us? With what water could we cleanse ourselves? What lustrums, what sacred games shall we have to devise? Is not the magnitude of this deed too great for us? Shall we not ourselves have to become Gods, merely to seem worthy of it? 
     There never was a greater event, and on account of it, all who are born after us belong to a higher history than any history hitherto!"

     Here the madman was silent and looked again at his hearers; they also were silent and looked at him in surprise. At last he threw his lantern on the ground, so that it broke in pieces and was extinguished. 

     "I come too early," he then said, "I am not yet at the right time. This prodigious event is still on its way, and is traveling, it has not yet reached men's ears. Lightning and thunder need time, the light of the stars needs time, deeds need time, even after they are done, to be seen and heard. 

     This deed is as yet further from them than the furthest star,
and yet they have done it!"

     It is further stated that the madman made his way into different churches on the same day, and there intoned his Requiem aeternam deo. 
     When led out and called to account, he always gave the reply: 
"What are these churches now, if they are not the tombs and monuments of God?"

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Life can be funny

I tell myself, or rather the whole world,
 I don't need anyone but me.
But more and more every day
Minute by minute i find myself more helpless
Im so desperate for you
It scares me
I haven't needed anyone before
and now i need you more then ever
seconds with you feel like heaven
I cherish those moments
I wish i could explain
its hard to admit
how hard i try to be a man
I want to do things right
you say I am enough
I want to be more
I want to be everything
I mess up alot but you dont seem to notice



But at the end of it all i just think to myself I lay awake trying to figure out what you see in me
I don't get it and probably never will
I have one explaination
and that would be
Oh, this is love.
True love