Ubermensch

Got an appointment on Friday at 7 to get some ink done
I decided on a Om Mani Padme Hum lotus tattoo on my back
Just done in basic black for now.

I am nervous
But a little disappointed I didn't get it today.
OK really disappointed


Im going to bed, I havent eaten anything but a roll all day
I wanna eat but im depressed
                                         Looking at food makes it worse
                           I just dont fucking care anymore
This cloud thats been over my head for the past few months has finally decended
                  I dont care
                                   I wanna care
                                                     I try to care
                 It hurts to care
                                                                        and im tired of hurting
                           I... I... I...
I thought about dying the other day
                     It seems a peaceful thought
                                                                                 Just its
                                                                 its just not quite my time yet you know?

I still got shit to do

How can I say i don't care when i obviously do.
I care about this i care about that,
I care about her most of all but
but I don't,,,
,,,I don't feel it back
From anyone

                   From anything

I don't feel like anyone or anything 

                                                                                        Honestly cares about me 

anymore  
Nothing i do brings me satisfaction anymore

I haven't in quite a while
Idk how to tell her this
Idk how to tell myself this.
I am just so tired of these feelings
everything used to be good with
green grass and blue skies
now its the green of promethazine and the blue of ambien
I cant sleep sober anymore.
Not even with her
that used to be the cure all
now....
ha!
now im just that guy thats there.
I never get the happy greetings
the running hug
or fuck
any real hug at all most of the time.

shit i know that shouldnt bother me cause that
         "Was just a phase"
          and were past it but still it hurts
          I don't like change
          I miss the old us
Actually I just miss the happy me
                                   and her being happy for me

People ask why i try so hard for her
and do all that
in reality it was because it used to
    make me happy
now i just end up feeling used
by everything and everyone

If there was some magic cure 

I need it now more then ever

I need you now more then ever

You think im selfish

im sorry

you think im paranoid

im sorry

you think all this shit

im sorry

Im fucking depressed 

and cant help it

I just want a little light in my tunnel

and anytime i try i get slapped back down.

im not selfish

stupid maybe

yes even a little crazy

i just cant get my shit straight

even this wont come out right.

I need to talk to people but i cant

when i think about it it makes me sick

I just miss me

I miss you

I miss not being 

so easily bothered

When you look at me at night 

and ask me whats wrong

This is whats wrong

I wanted to tell you in person

But i cant 

i dont know how

this is hard enough.

Life is hard enough

I just want to be happy again.
I just wanna make you happy again

actually I just want you happy again

Der Tod hat nie schien süßer